My mind was elsewhere most of the day, but I did feel good about the work I accomplished. I’m not sure how much of embracing my feelings and focusing them helps compared to time. But I’m okay with it.

Part of me is frustrated with going through this phase again. I’ve gone through this once before and it wasn’t time that resolved it, it was enough growth to recognize where my heart was sabotaging me. There’s some degree of sadness in that itself.

Looking forward to seeing someone, and not being able two, are two separate parts of me in conflict. They don’t meet on even ground and I think the battles between them involve a lot of miscommunication.

I’ve mostly given up on trying to make sense of where I am. I’d say I’ve lost hope, but I create hope where there is none, to my own detriment.

Mostly, I still keep myself distracted by going out drinking with friends, or physical tasks like a bide ride or mowing the lawn. Sometimes I have the energy to focus my feelings at emphasizing, despite it hurting a bit.

I still don’t know where to go from here, but generally forward. I still feel like I’ve lost something incredibly meaningful and valuable to me, and I’m troubled by the reality that I couldn’t do anything to prevent it.

I do my best to stay away from the computer after last call, my will power is understandably weaker then, and I tend to be invasive in ways that I don’t feel are appropriate any longer. I keep hoping to be proved wrong. Silly heart, being you.

I feel misunderstood a bit, and at times I feel like if I could only explain myself better it would make some kind of a difference. I feel like talking about all of this is the most important thing to do, but that’s only important to me, which isn’t enough.

On one hand I look back at where my feelings were a little while ago, and think about feeling that way today, still wanting to date. I can’t imagine it, I feel like so much has changed. Hmm.

I’m just rambling now. It’s going to be so hard going through this again, especially feeling the way I do now.