I think the exhaustion is about to hit me, and that’s great. I want to get some sleep tonight. I just need to eek out a little bit more before it happens and make sure I’m a little more than a single step away from where I was a few hours ago.

I’m really uninterested in any explanation of why our emotions work the way they do. Which sounds hypocritical at first, since I’ve been raving so much about rationalizing my feelings and finding answers. My feelings are huge, which is funny, because it’s often assumed otherwise. Or perhaps, I’ve joked too many times about that one story where Hannah thought I was intimidating when she was a teenager and her brother brought her over to my apartment. A friend recently told me that a number of people think I’m nice, but sort of a loner. Which I suppose is a half-truth. Community and connection, personal relationships, my heart craves these things. I suppose you may not see it, at the same time I complain about the amount of exertion required and anxiety surrounding being social.

I’m nervous about the future. I’m incredibly vulnerable from this pain/hurt. Normally I worry about stupid shit like how much effort I’ll have to put into being social, so you can betcha that I worry a lot about this. Everything is still uneasy and twisted inside of me, but there’s a little relief tonight and I’m happy about that. I worry about what I’ll be able to handle, I don’t feel very strong right now and feel like I’m missing a part of my life. Which, I suppose I am. Too much hope.

I’m disappointed in my reactions, and need to think about this all more.