[this is a pure super upset rant]

Deep breath. What is this? Pain. Not frustration, not sadness, not anger or angst. I don’t know. It needs a physical outlet I think. I want to run around, but I feel like between the rain and the lack of running shoes (when did the only pairs of _shoes_ I have become bicycle shoes and water shoes?) I’m a little afraid. Afraid. Where’d that word come from? I’m going to give up in a ditch somewhere. I’m thinking about getting on the Schwinn, but, I’ll probably push myself too hard and vomit.

I’ve managed a banana, soup, chili, a breakfast sandwich and some chips today. I laugh at that feeling like an accomplishment. I laughing a bunch the last couple hours, at the absurdity.

Mom confused my coment about “Yeah, sorry.” as being related to my parents divorce, which it wasn’t. Sometimes I forget people read this because I very rarely have anyone say anything to me about it. I don’t know what I think they’d say anyway. It was an interesting direction to go in.

I’m biased. upset. wanting to say things that I know aren’t going to come out right. I’m partly convinced they would because I feel like they come from the right place, but, it’s an outpour. It’s what I committed to not doing again last week. What to do…

i emailed my professor today and told him I was dropping the class. I don’t think he reads his email. Oh well. I’m okay with that for now.

Reading the last email I got from her. I’m sort of a douche. Feeling like I can still do something or say something that will make a difference. Trying to rationalize the situation like it’s something I can fix. Mostly my email is just flailing about in pain. And so dramatic. Ugh. God I don’t even make sense. I’m tempted to apologize, even though I already did. It probably doesn’t matter either way. Saying anything is probably salting a wound. “I’m not equipped for this loss. That’s silly.” You know when you read something you wrote a long time ago and it’s embarassing? Yeah. I’m pretty embarrassing. I’m not listening, or reading, or thinking. I’m just reacting to my emotions. stooopid, foolish emotions.

Everyone’s advice amounts to one of two things, “forget about her”, or, well, the serious equivalent of Denis Leary singing “life’s gonna suck when you grow up.”

Some days I feel like I’ve really got my feet on the ground. Some days I  feel like I’m fifteen and it’s a wonder that anyone can stand me at all.

Oh bad ideas, bad ideas. It’s difficult being on the losing end of a good decision. I mean, normally it’s terrible, yeah. blah. obvious. The stomach is going in circles. I want to tell it to behave. I totally still believe I can do something to fix this. I’m in denial about that. I don’t know what to do about that. I’m thinking that… I’m going to do something wrong. I’m going to go ride in the rain before I do.