I’ve never had to deal with this much emotion before. I’m completely lost about what to do with it.

Mom and Tori relate, and say to give it time. I worry about the incapacitating nature of it. I’m sleeping with a trash can next to me now, how fucked up is that? I’ve never been so suddenly ripped open before. Why, when people did terribly things to me in the past, was the pain so much more shallow than now, when I’m not even being wronged?

I almost wish I didn’t have plans to go camping in the morning, as I’d go for a bike ride. Part of me wants to ride north and find a place to spend the night oustide now. I shouldn’t. I’m not in a condition for that.

I’ve fallen to wildly, exasperatedly, saying and doing things I shouldn’t be.

How the hell did this become the worst experience of my life? Where did so much meaning and emotion come from in so little time? I feel like I’m a teenager, wildly acting on my emotions. I don’t know what else to do. I write. I talk. I distract myself. I write more. I yell, and rant. It keeps coming. I’m still fighting it. Acceptance is a long ways off. What to do about that. Nobody seems to mind me being this way. School and work suffered a little. How do I feel so alone when I have so many people so close. Why is this so important? Why won’t it stop?

A lot of thoughts run through my head. Some of them become words. Some of them get written. There’s no sense of order yet. It’s just a flow, a flow, waiting for someone to harness it. Can anyone? Will anyone? This is part of why I feel alone. I’m sitting in my room with a whole in my chest, unable to sleep without thinking about everything upsetting, with noone to hold and listen.

How did life become so backwards? How was I so okay before?

Now I am a burden on everyone. I’m not unsure that I don’t deserve it. Huh. How to channel this much emotion without a relationship?

I’m just rambling now, trying to turn feelings into words. I’m too upset to make any sense, to think, which I want to do. Now is not the time to open up in any direction.