Got a text from mom today.

Mom: Being angry is ok too. All feelings are valid and real. What matters is how we act on them. Loss is hollowness that will be filled differently. love you
Me: Just sad.

I got thinking about loss, and the internet lead me to grief, thinking about the “stages”. It calls is simplistic bullshit, which is reasonable enough.

I’m trying to decide what to do with this sadness. It’s changing so many parts of me from the inside out. Skimming the page, I saw a reference to grief counseling and thought about finding someone to talk to.

After I left Strategy I started meeting a counselor, Angel Bowman, once a week and continued for a year. She even came to the house after my accident when I couldn’t really get around. It was an incredibly therapeutic process where I finally came to level ground regarding my needs and boundaries. This was the forerunner into dating again, which has been it’s own process of moving past my needs and into my desire and the future. I’m torn between writing more about this because it’s distracting, and getting to the point.

Searching on the Internet, I found out that she died a year ago. I couldn’t handle this, today. The final gates of composure have broken. This basement has never felt so huge, everyone so distant.

Rereading the last email from L, the things that matter seem upside down. Why am I always feeling like I’m the only one that feels this way? Did achieving my career goals at a young age put me on the porch already, on the outside looking in, or out of the rat race? Do I let my heart steer me more than most? When did this happen? Has it always been that way? Jesus I need a hug.