Poor commute execution again on my part. No fender on the bike, cotton long underwear, totally wet. But the sunshine is leaking in through the window behind me and it’s making me smile.

Thinking about Dad’s list of three while waiting for a virtual machine to copy to backup. I’ve always had trouble with looking forward to things, and making future plans. I fear disappointment, it’s a vulnerable feeling. It’s one of those feelings that people don’t talk about enough, and it leads us too often to feel alone. Thinking that nobody else feels the way that we do. Which is absurd if you ponder it, but when you feel, it’s a different story. The risk of loss is generally something I’m okay with, that is when it’s something material. I’m particularly vulnerable to fearing the loss of people in my life. Not so often in a “they’ll get hit by a bus” way, but insofar as they are individuals, who make their own choices and I must accept them.  It’s not that I want people to be who I want them to be, I don’t feel that way and think it’s ludicrous. The value of the people in our lives are that they are individuals, which is what makes those who we identify with more special.

I’ve declared and accepted my future lately. That is that it isn’t going to be what I assumed it would eventually be. I simply wouldn’t be happy settled down. When I’ve had conversations about it in the past about what life would be like, I’ve left them with an ill feeling. I’ve identified that, it’s heavy compromise. One might argue that this is a part of growing up. I declare it isn’t. I don’t do very much right, I do most things how I feel is right. Which is right enough for me. Of course this indicator comes at a cost. I’m okay with that, I’ve always been okay with that.

The meaning of life is learning to live by your heart, right?