I had a great time talking to Kim last night, although I fear that when I’m encouraged to talk, I ramble about for hours; small connections bringing back memories that may only be connected by a similar color pictured or word in a phrase used. Some day I’d like to be able to summarize my views into a mini-religion with full fledged commandments. Things like “Thou shalt be skewered through the eye with a rabbits foot if thou writes on the bus seats”. I suppose that would make for a long list though, I’d need a lot of stone.

Anna has an excellent blog entry today.

When I was walking at Gasworks on Christmas, I was thinking about how the sense of self is lost in an intense situation (along with the instinct to devote more resources to processing rather than experiencing). I want to keep the experiencing part, but there might be something to developing a more explicit sense of self. Just like I think it was very valuable to learn how to shape thoughts into words, it might be valuable to be able to shape a self out of the nebulous void (that my self at least is now).

I’d like to call it something other than a struggle, but lacking a better word a the moment; I struggle regularly with separating thoughts, feelings and physical needs. After much talk about systems last night, I realize it’s probably a product of how I think. I spend every day learning to understand small bits of kit and then puzzling them together to form something that I inherently understand, but without actually thinking about it. Which is an awesome example of a sum is greater than the whole concept, especially when you think about how our consciousness is able to keep up.

I’m a romantic, so I’m never looking for a “love is just chemicals” explanation (I desperately wish I could remember the name of a movie right now that’s awfuly related, but alas I don’t know any good keywords for it). I’d argue that I’ve long since gotten the distinction of the things I want and the things I need separated in my head, after many years of being thwacked upside the head with the concept by adults as a kid. But there’s some degree for sure of wanting to look at the individual pieces of myself and see how they stack up.

But so why don’t I try to figure out everyone else? It seems often that everyone else is presuming that they have each other figured out. Which I really don’t like; I have a certain distaste for the “I did this because my parents didn’t love me enough” crowd, but those who spend unnecessary time explaining others actions seem… caught up in their own self-worth, almost as if they’re trying to prove to themselves that they’ve got it figured it. It being life, the universe and everything as they say. It just doesn’t seem worth the energy; people will do what people will do and while I think you can lead people, I don’t believe you can change them. Change is a conscious choice that people have to make for themselves along the way.

“Stopping to smell the roses” is a good mantra I believe, because so many people are so caught up in the things they’re trying to achieve, because they think they will make them happier, I think the point is missed. An old roommate of my fathers once told me about how when he was in the military every pay grade raise he’d tell himself that everything would work out as soon as he made the next pay grade. And it didn’t. It’s not just about money, it’s about that mindset. I think my father fell victim to that as well, and has yet to recover.